Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
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If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he鈥檚 pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he鈥檚 walking away
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you鈥rankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Me: *pressed against glass* they can鈥檛 keep us apart, they can鈥檛 deny our love, you鈥檙e my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Don鈥檛 let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 馃槈
You know I鈥檓 something of a chef myself
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”