I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
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Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it