i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
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People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Mornin. * use accordingly
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.