Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
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My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Banana is the quietest snack
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.