I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
You Might Also Like
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.