I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
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DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Tony Hawk, age 6
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
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When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.