I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
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“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.