I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
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Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp