@TheCatWhisprer: I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
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@jazmasta: Everyone said it was a bad idea to store glue in the same cabinet as my rifles but I'm sticking to my guns.
@BillCorbett: To celebrate Independence Day I'm finding Englishmen and then walking angrily away from them!
@d_duhwit: Octopus 1:" Woah. There's an arm just swimming by itself." Octopus 2:" that's an eel you idiot."
@U_Want_Shum_M8: *sees a hot christian girl* Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs? Friend: That's a cross. Me: across from where?