I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
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I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.