I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
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I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Banking tips
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.