@aimlessamers: I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I'm not even an actor.
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@LindaInDisguise: Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head? Him: That's nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
@behindyourback: *falls down a well* *Lassie runs to the edge and peers down* *me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
@djdarrellripley: Her: I noticed you're wearing one green sock, and one red sock. Me: Yea, I've got another pair just like these at home...
@Brianhopecomedy: After I saw that my wife "Checked In" to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.