I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
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Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
North and South
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.