@TommyKarate: I hate it when I get my days mixed up and I accidentally take my stupid wife out instead of my girlfriend.
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@JoshuaFlail: My Pops told me that you can't go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
@SoulYodeler: I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
@smithsara79: Me: *crying* B-but... but you said... Waiter: *sigh* "Unlimited" breadsticks, I know ma'am, but we're closing now & you have to go
@Swishergirl24: I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that's not how pregnancy works.