Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
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Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.