[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
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I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width