a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
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The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce