The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
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When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder