*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
You Might Also Like
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?