To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
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My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
#merica
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
*seductively corrects your posture*
are they though??
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products