I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
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moms in horror movies
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel