I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
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Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Jurassic park gets weird
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.