@Rollinintheseat: I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
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@behindyourback: 11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
@stevevsninjas: Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant. Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole- Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
@Reverend_Scott: [wedding reception] DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions? IDK HE'S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING