@Rollinintheseat: I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
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@VaguelyFunnyDan: Had no idea why my salad was $175, 'til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
@KevinFarzad: College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
@FinallyHeSleeps: Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it's more of a beached-dad-bod.
@funnyordie: When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?