@JohnLyonTweets: I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn't on my coupon.
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@AddledPixie: "Unhand me you cad!" I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I've only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
@Zac_Franklin: my default response when someone questions a risky text of mine is "sorry, I was drunk." But now everyone thinks I'm an alcoholic so..shit.
@LetMeStart: Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU. Me: Wonderful? H: M: Charming? H: M: Light of your life? H: [leaves room] Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
@TheAlexNevil: Pro Tip: don't fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.