@JohnLyonTweets: I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn't on my coupon.
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@HallpassCanada: Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can't spot the douche at work today, then it's probably you.
@spacexsam: Forever tricking animals into thinking I'm patting them when really I'm just wiping crumbs off of my hands into their fur
@elle91: In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
@XplodingUnicorn: In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation: 1) Going on vacation 2) Taking my family