@JohnLyonTweets: I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn't on my coupon.
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@lyric_intent: Peoples whose sliding closet doors never come off their tracks, what do you do with the rest of your dark magic?
@david8hughes: [pinned down by sniper fire] Squad leader: I'm going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
@Jacob_Swift16: I put a life-size alien doll in my passenger seat for halloween and I've caught myself talking to it 3 times