I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
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Somewhere in an alternate universe
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
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Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire