@OuterJohn: I hate it when I'm digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
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@JohnLyonTweets: [flirting at Taco Bell] Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help. [seconds later] Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
@chairmanMAO_92: This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said "I didn't know Pink used her last name as well" Now she's dead
@longwall26: Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It's like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.