@OuterJohn: I hate it when I'm digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
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@sucittaM: Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
@bellicosejason: If you're behind someone at an ATM, let them know you're not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
@PaperWash: [Signing waiver for the show Cops] No no, you don't have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?