I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
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Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.