I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
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{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.