I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
You Might Also Like
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.