I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
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*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”