I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
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Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
gentlemen, hear me out
Breaking news:
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
as is their right
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.