@WakeVII: I hate it when I'm trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
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@lloydrang: Me: You a good personal trainer? Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am. Me: [through tears] Wow, that's personal. You're hired.
@nonsensetwit: My fear of spiders happened when I went to hit one with a newspaper, and it looked at me and did pushups saying "try again bro."
@meganamram: Don't have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I'm close to my destination
@DamnitJosh: "Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I'm not angry or covered in piss.