I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
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Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.