I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
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My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
those birds must be on payroll
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico