I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
You Might Also Like
cyclists
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
figuring out my emotional availability:
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.