@jlock17: I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don't have a free hand to break them up.
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@AmishPornStar1: Mechanic said I blew a seal... Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
@SuperRandomish: If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say "Matt?" My name will always be Matt.
@Tmoney68: Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he's expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
@VodkaShorebird: "You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss." - Discovery Channel executive