I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
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I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
This dude got his own movie?