I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
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To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
every college guy’s fridge
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.