I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
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Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Blew my mind.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
ACED my prostate exam!
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers