I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
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*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration