I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
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My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…