I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
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fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury