I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
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My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.