I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
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The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs