@LittleHarmonica: I hate it when people think I'm staring when really I'm trying to kill them with my mind.
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@iamdevinwagner: There is this absolutely gorgeous girl at my gym but I never know how to start a conversation with her without looking like the annoying dude trying to hit on her while she works out so I’m thinking tonight I’m gonna drop a weight on my foot and ask her to take me to the hospital
@AimeeHelene1: The best call ever would be "Hey, it's me!", but from your dog... Because: 1. Aww your dog's calling you 2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
@jonnysun: WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him ME: ok [drives to hospital] ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
@ScorpionDong: What do we want? -SHITTY MUSIC COMPILATIONS! When do we want them? -NOW! THAT'S WHAT I CALL MUSIC