I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
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Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food