I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
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[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
This is why I hate group projects
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.