I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
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[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Said the murderer.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.