I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
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Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Can’t, holding a grudge
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”