I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
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Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture