I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
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“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
The USS B port
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep