On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
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The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
[plot twist] ur buried vertically