@Storminika: I hate it when strangers question me. I'm with my kid, & this lady goes, 'He's cute. Who does he look like?' I'm like, 'Your husband'
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@panmidwest: Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
@WheelTod: [Thanksgiving at the In-laws] Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now” Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean...” Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
@Blarebare: The pet groomer didn't appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the "happy ending".