I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
You Might Also Like
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
pelicons
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
selfie game
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.