Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
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Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.