@thedayofthedot: i hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore. facebook friends suck.
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@sixfootcandy: Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls) Him: What are you doing? Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
@barryjohnharper: I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought 'I've literally just sat down."
@stevevsninjas: How Animals React To Smoke DEER: Bounds away. MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel. BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
@ladybroseph: Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.