@thedayofthedot: i hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore. facebook friends suck.
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@thatdutchperson: [narrating a commercial for therapy] "For a 100 bucks an hour we'll blame your mother."
@liv_thatsme: I'm having a green screen installed behind my couch, because, you know, I don't ever feel like going out, but I wanna look like I do stuff.
@LurkAtHomeMom: Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
@DamienFahey: When a band has Z's where S's should be in their name, I'm like, "Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren't playing by society's rules."