@aveuaskew: My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.

@Mimiification: When a man tells me he's looking for a 'real woman' I scurry away because I'm actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN'T FIND OUT.

@Try2StopME: I'm going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

@brunopieroni: I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

@AndyAsAdjective: Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I'm 45 min. off course but I'm not gonna let him win.