Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
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9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Nomnomnomnom
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.